Nancy Drew’s -The Mystery of the Scooter Thief

27 02 2007

The very day after our great and wondrous adventure to Flaming Geyser (dramatic music) the girls and I had an adventure of another sort.

It was a beautiful afternoon, and the girls had summoned the neighborhood gang of kids – Grace, Kennedy, Maddie and Jackson – to the tree climbing and scooter racing that they seem to save for sunny Sundays.

The scooter racing had died down and the tree climbing had just begun. Maya had deposited her scooter on our front yard and was 1/2 a block away at the red maple tree with the group. I was inside folding laundry (again? still?) when I happened to peer outside toward the sidewalk.

Two gangly 14-year-oldish boys were on the sidewalk, one on a bike and one walking. I got a strange feeling from them and watched them longer than I normally would. The boy that was afoot looked directly in the window at me, meeting my eyes, and then at the scooter at the edge of the lawn.

I started moving toward the door, but all at once he reversed his direction back to the scooter, snatched it, and started down the sidewalk at a dead run.

I will truthfully tell you right now that….well, I lost my ever-loving mind.

I crashed through the door yelling such profane things that I can’t even remember the proper order in which to quote them. I know I used the f-bomb as an adjective, adverb, noun and verb while interspersing it with threats of the police and bodily damage interspersed at regular intervals.

I ran inside, dialed the police, made my statement and then…

Oh God.

And then I told the girls to get in the car because, “Dammit! We’re going to get your scooter back!”

Now, it is a slippery slope when you are driving a vehicle around town in an absolute rage. One should never, ever do this. I had grandiose visions of finding the hooligans gallivanting down the street and….

Maybe I would pull up in front of them, bumping my car over the curb and onto the sidewalk, scaring them so thoroughly with my aggression as to cause them absolute terror.

Maybe I would follow them carefully and quietly until I found out where they lived and then accost them in front of their parents.

Maybe I would just run the little thieving bastards over with my car.

Oh my God I was mad. I don’t know what pushed me to such extremes. It was a $50 scooter – three years old, no less. But it was also a scooter that I would be called upon to replace. It was a scooter that had been taken right from under my child’s nose. Right in the front yard of the place that is her home and should be safe from these things.

Eventually the boiling in my brain settled down enough to realize that the police officer summoned by my call might be coming to my house – or already there for that matter. I maneuvered myself, my children, and the potential killing machine of my vehicle towards home.

When I returned home, my heart still beating furiously and my adrenal glands aching, John (the girl’s Dad) called. He, not knowing that it would put him in imminent peril, had the audacity to lecture Maya about leaving her scooter on the lawn.

The phone call was interrupted by me, threats were forcibly made -something to the effect of, “If you dare make her feel bad because she was playing on her own damn street in front of her own damn house and some little bastards decided to take something that was not theirs….I….I will…” And then I hung up. Because, honestly, I didn’t know what I would do – but I did know that it would be something very, very bad.

The police officer showed herself a few minutes later.

Much to my consternation I had very little input on the descriptions of the perpetrators. They were white, skinny, young… one was on a bike, one is now on a purple sparkly scooter….

Hair? Hmmm… not sure.

Clothing? A red t-shirt? A grey sweatshirt? Jeans? Shorts? I had no idea.

Sophie came to the rescue.

She piped up in her seven-year-old wisdom, “The one on the bike, he had black hair and a red shirt. His bike had three wheels. Like the kind you see old people riding? It had a dining room chair tied to the back of it. The other boy had a black t-shirt on with jeans. He had brownish blondish hair.”

And if it wasn’t enough that her description was so good – something that I definitely should have noticed – I mean, a three wheeled bike with a dining room chair strapped to the back? Anyway, she then proceeded to use my words against me, innocently enough, when she also mentioned (picture her with eyes about as big as saucers when she says this), “Oh! And my Mom screamed at them and called them “f-word boys’.”

I am sure that she thought that this might be helpful to the officer. Fucking boys are obviously different that normal boys and could very likely be picked out of a crowd quickly.

The officer, with hardly a smirk on her face, dutifully noted this new evidence in her notebook and left soon thereafter.

The adventure came to an end the next morning. In a way one could say that it is a happy ending. But I am not totally convinced. John, on his way to our house for a visit with the girls noticed the scooter thrown onto the lawn of a house a few blocks from us.

How the hell did he get to end up the hero?

I swear, I just can’t win.


A Natural Wonder

22 02 2007
I almost forgot….

The Flaming Geyser! The entire reason for the State Park….

The story goes that at the turn of the century (19somethingorother) there was a crew that was drilling the area testing for coal deposits. They didn’t find coal, but they did tap into a huge natural gas deposit. The drilled core leaked so much natural gas that, when lit, shot a flame appoximately 30 feet into the air.

It is sufficiently smaller now…..

Look closely and you, too, can experience the wonder of Flaming Geyser State Park!

(dramatic orchestra music plays, then diminishes….fade to black)

WWDTW – Flaming Geyser

21 02 2007
*Updated! With bigger and better pictures!*
**Also note – I am a horrible movie-end-ruiner, so if you don’t know what happens at the end of Bridge to Terabithia” then, good God man, stop reading right here!**
Finally! Something that I can actually write about for a “What We Did This Weekend” post. Its been a long time.

First of all, the girls and I – along with Mistah, Natalie and Grace – went to “Bridge to Terabithia” this weekend. Holy. It was very sad. Sophie cried for an hour – and it would have been longer but she cried herself to sleep.

It was a fantastic movie – and we all knew that she died in the book. But…wow.

We also took advantage of the one great sunshiny day to go to a local state park called “Flaming Geyser”. It is beautiful there, and luckily only 20 minutes from my house. You all should come visit. I would take you there. Really, I would.

Rivers are obviously very funny.


Can you get any more mossy? It’s a fairy world. Sophie loves it.

Please notice that little trees are growing out of the fallen tree that is bridging the trail. Cool, huh?

More tomorrow…..

I Feel Much Better – Thank You

16 02 2007

Just in case you were worried that I have turned into an angry, profanity-spewing monster I thought I would post the letters that I wrote to the girls on Valentine’s day. This blog is eventually for their benefit, so occasionally I should probably put something in it about them, eh?


I am so glad that you are my daughter. When you were born you changed my life forever. I never knew how much love I had in my heart until I saw you for the first time.

I am so proud of the person that you are becoming. You are so smart and funny! I remember being in fourth grade and how exciting it was when I realized I was growing up. It can be hard and frustrating sometimes, but it’s the biggest adventure of your life.

Thank you for being so sweet and kind to your friends, your sister and me.

You are an amazing girl.




What would I do without you? I cannot image my life without you in it. I love you so much it hurts – but in a good way! 🙂

I love your laughter and how you always sing in the shower. Did you know that you even sang in the bathtub when I gave you baths as a baby?

I think you were born happy. Not many people are lucky like that – so remember just how special you are.

You have a lot of friends because you are a good friend. Keep being that way! You have a way with people that will bring you a lot of joy in your life.

Thank you for being such a fantastic kid.


This Post Contains More Expletives Than Normal

14 02 2007

Valentine’s Day irritates me.

This year is no exception. I started my period. I haven’t finished my infamous yearly mixed CD for the occasion. The new blogger hasn’t let me on to post in days. I started my period.

And unecessary personal barriers were crossed at 6:20 a.m.

Now, I love Mickie (my daughters’ spunky 68 year-old nanny) but she is about as subtle as a telephone pole up against the side of your head. She has always “carefully alluded” to the fact that I am overwieght.

“I bought you some of this fantastic non-fat calorie-free yogurt if you would happen to like some for breakfast!”

“I noticed that you didn’t have anything to make a salad with, so I just picked up some ingredients. Salads make a great light dinner, don’t you think?”

“You need to count your blessings. At least you have your health – for the most part.”

I normally just play dumb and ignore her, but when she brought up the fact this morning that “she” wanted to go on a diet and was wondering if we couldn’t share in making lowfat (but tasty!) meals to share – it was just too much.

I’m not much of a team player. Over-analyzation of anything makes me feel like poking my left eye out with a large rusty nail. Most things have beautifully simple answers that people tend to muck all up with their logic.

“I feel that I am overweight because I am afraid to let anyone be too close.”

“I was never taught portion control.”

“I don’t have time to exercise.”

In reality, eat less – exercise more. Anyone on God’s green earth can do that if they want to . And to be perfectly honest, I’m not all that into it right now.

I feel like I have pulled my shit together in the last few years. I have worked on moving up in my work. I make sure my family is happy. My free time is spent doing things that I love…..or laundry. I am a fucking happy and well-adjusted person, dammit. I just eat more chocolate than most people.

It utterly amazes me that so many people personalize my adipose tissue and make it their problem.

My Mom constantly talks about “We need to get our weight under control.”

When the hell did my weight become OUR issue?

If I happened to notice that someone that I knew had….say…a small penis – I would not think it was a good idea to say something like…

“Hey, I don’t have a penis. I’ve always wanted one, though. I was wondering if I bought one of those penis enlargement pump things if maybe we could work together to try to enlarge our….well, you know,… our package. What do you think? It would be fun!”


“I noticed that you seem relatively stupid. I was thinking that it might be a good idea for us to take some community college classes in, let’s say, Math 101? Or maybe Grammar? I always feel more supported when I do something like that with someone else.”

Here’s the thing. I’m fucking awesome. I have great kids. I would venture to say that I am somewhat witty and fun to be around. I have good morals. I practice good hygiene.

So, please…back the fuck off and just let me be happy. When I feel like I want to do something, trust me, I know what to do.

"The Movie"

7 02 2007

Just as I was sitting down to dinner with the girls last night I was accosted with this question from Maya…

“So….when did you have to watch “The Movie”? You know the one.”

And honestly, I don’t remember every seeing “The Movie”. I guess they figured that us country girls already knew all there was to know. Growing up on a cattle ranch does expose you to the importance of breeding right off the bat, I guess.

Sometime in April Maya’s fourth grade (fourth grade!?) class will be split by gender to view this movie. Many kids are quite anxious, but it did my heart good to have Maya say, “Wow. I’m really glad you told me all about that stuff last year. At least I won’t be surprised.”

I went into quite some detail last year, so I am sure that nothing will come as a huge surprise, but I did warn her that “The Movie” would probably be more technical in nature than our numerous conversations in the kitchen have been.

We talked about “It” some more just to clarify some of her questions and then she said…”Boy, are some people going to be surprised!”

String Theory

6 02 2007

I have been embroiled in Science Fair experiments.

Currently there are 20 clear glasses of various solutions sitting around my house. Little strings dangle from sticks lying across the tops of the glasses waiting for crystals to grow.

Our scientific notebooks are being used to record data and our hypotheses, across the board, are currently being dis-proved (dis-proven?).

I suffer from writers block caused by too much bloggable fodder. So I am setting a goal for myself for one entry per day for the rest of February.

Maybe that will help….