Dichotomy

4 10 2006

I am feeling restless.

My legs are jumpy and I haven’t been able to concentrate very well.

I don’t know if the trip to the ocean was a way of trying to get rid of this feeling, or if it is what started it.

I feel like I really have my life figured out – in as much as you can do such a thing. I am very happy at work, I love my family….I am busy….I have great friends.

What the hell is this thing?

You know the feeling you get sometimes when you look at a sky full of stars? That “I don’t want to ever, ever, ever die I am so happy” feeling.

It’s like that. A feeling so good, but then again, so destined to fail.

What can be missing? I have everything I want and need. I want to stay at home and cuddle my girls while at the same time I want to travel the world by sailboat. I want to make my closets perfectly organized, yet I want to get rid of everything extraneous in my house.

I want to be alone, but I want someone around that I can tell that to. As if being alone is something worth having only if I can emphatically declare it.

I have tended, in the last few days, to fall into fits of hysterical laughter. This is, by no means, a strange thing for me. But it usually means that there is something bothering me.

Hysterical laughter is a great thing because you can laugh and cry at the same time. Sometimes I think it’s the best way to be able to cry in front of someone without having to tell them what’s wrong.

Don’t get me wrong. I am very happy.

I think.

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4 responses

5 10 2006
rennratt

Hon, it’s stress.

New position at work, daughters back at school, weekend escapes, blogger vacation…

The signs are all there.

Or not.

Maybe things are just going SO well – for once – that you just really don’t know how to take it.

Other than laugh, that is.

And that is okay.

5 10 2006
This Girl I Used to Know

Maybe it’s just restless leg syndrome.. the TV tells me it’s the latest thing to have.

5 10 2006
Ant

I think renratt is on to something – stress maybe?

I love when people laugh and I laugh a lot too, but when I see folk hysterically laughing it freaks me out. It usually means something’s bothering them, but they don’t want to talk about it, so just laugh to cover it up. And then I feel totally helpless, and a bit sad.

You ok? Hope you are. We care. :o)

5 10 2006
Janie

i hear you. your post made perfect sense to me.

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