Purging the Friendship Files

12 09 2005

Since this spring I have been undergoing a systematic cleaning out and purging of my friend “files”.

What I have been noticing is in my relationships with nearly all of my friends, I was doing a whole lot of giving, and a whole lot less of receiving.

For example…..

My friend Kristy……I met Kristy when my daughter was about 9 months old. She had a daughter almost the same exact age, so we started hanging out, doing new Mom things. We basically became new Moms together.

When both of our relationships went south, we would go walks for hours with the babies in the strollers and lament our situations. Neither of us were working, but we were planning to eventually get jobs when the girls were just a little bit older, save some money, and get out of our relationships. My relationship was just plain awful, hers – it turns out – was okay, but she had realized that she was a lesbian (that is a WHOLE different story).

One day she called me, sobbing uncontrollably. She was pregnant. I remember saying, “Oh, Kristy, what are you going to do with two kids so close together! It will be okay though….”

And then, you guessed it……one month later I was pregnant too. Oops. I swear, I had sex with him two times after Maya was born, hadn’t even started my period yet because I was breast-feeding. Yep. These things do happen. I am living proof.

Anyway, we both tried to make it work. We were going to keep our families intact. About 6 months after Sophie was born, however, I moved out. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I had a good job, a great daycare, an adorable house – and when she showed up on my doorstep with her two girls, crying……well, I offered to let her stay with me for a few weeks. She got on her feet, got her own place and things were rolling along. (Just an aside, she was a lesbian at this time but I never have been. People seem to be very curious about that.)

We realized that we were spending a ton on rent, and saw a great house for rent that would save us both money, had enough room for all of us, and would be perfect for the kids. We lived in the “blue house” together for two years.

Now, almost the entire time there were issues with Kristy coming up with rent money, money for bills, groceries…..just about anything. I ended up being the sole breadwinner for a family of 4 children and 1 other adult. I did not make that kind of money.

Kristy was supposed to be working at home doing medical transcription. Come to find out, for the majority of the time she didn’t have a job because she continued to get fired from job after job because she wouldn’t come through by her deadlines. She kept all this from me and would actually spend time downstairs, typing at her computer as if she had a job…..

Thousands of dollars later, I moved out and started to try to recover some of my life,

Don’t get my wrong. If you don’t count the money and the lying, she was a great person. I know that sounds a bit facetious, but I say it in all honesty. Strange dichotomy, I know.

She moved from girlfriend to girlfriend after this, never allowing herself or her children the privilege of being alone as a family. She eventually got in dire straits financially and became an over-the-road trucker. Yep. Trucker. She gave her kids to their Dad (with the understanding that when she got back on her feet she would get them back) and drove for two years before getting a job where she can stay close to home.

Their father decided that the kids were better off with him, she had a bit a a breakdown, broke up with her current girlfriend, and whose doorstep do you think she landed on? Well, let’s just say it wasn’t my neighbor’s……

I let her sleep on my couch for a few weeks. She paid me, I made sure of that. The relationship that she left was abusive (verbally only, I think) and I talked and advised and encouraged her to move on and be strong in herself (yadda, yadda, yadda).

You know what I got for all that?

A note saying,

“Sorry Shari, but I love her. Don’t be disappointed in me.”

That was two months ago. Not a phone call since.

But you know damn well that when she needs something again, my doorstep will be the first she lands on. But, I have destroyed this friend file, unbeknownst to her. Shredded it. This time her ass is going to have to fall on someone else’s doorstep.

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2 responses

14 09 2005
Sherri

Do you think you can actually follow through? I have been in a siliar situation before. It’s tough. Good luck.

15 09 2005
Shari

Sherri – there have been ridiculous amounts of times that I have not followed through with her. At this point, it is really a matter of personal dignity. Know what I mean?

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