E-dating = Load of Crap

Okay, so the other day my friend Kristy and I were watching TV and were arguing a bit about an E-Harmony ad that we saw. She is much more hopelessly romantic than I am when it comes to relationships, or maybe it is best described as me being cynical…. So, we opted to take their survey. Good God! It took about an hour each to finish. AND (here is cynical me talking) Kristy and I were oddly similar as far as the personality profile was concerned. However, we are very different in the following ways….

1. She is a bleeding-heart, love-will-conquer-all romantic. I am not.
2. She is a lesbian. I am not.
3. She likes butch women. I do not (but I do appreciate butch men…).
4. She likes to spend the majority of her free time with her partner. I do not.
5. She cannot live without physical touch (ie: cuddling on the couch). I cannot stand unnecessary cuddling.
6. She likes long walks on the beach……….

Well, you get the picture.

The really ironic thing is that when we got our (almost carbon-copy) profiles back I had matches and she didn’t. She even “played it straight” and asked for a match with men, so that wasn’t the problem. I don’t want to be matched, she does. How weird is this e-harmony matchmaking thing?

So, I get all these matches sent to me, and obviously they did not listen to anything I said in my little quiz thingy. I am getting matched with tons of soldiers from Ft. Lewis, most of whom believe in a “traditional” relationship. Hmmm…. I do not believe in a “traditional” relationship.

Here are some excerpts from recent match profiles…

1. The one thing Curt wishes MORE people would notice about him is:
   that i have very old fashioned beliefs, (NOT what I am looking for)
2. The last book Curt read and enjoyed:
   Louis LaMour Sackett Series, I like my westerns and and history (NOT into the “Western” genre, nothing against it, but not a good match e-harmony…)
3. The most important thing TUAN is looking for in a person is:
   THAT THEY DONT JUDGE GUYS BY THE WAY THEY LOOK ON THE OUTSIDE BUT JUDGE THEM WHAT THEY HAVE ON THE INSIDE. THAT WE GET ALONG TOGETHER AND THAT WE HAVE SOME THINGS IN COMMON AND THEY ACCEPT ME THE WAY I AM (absolutely fantastic and great, but Tuan DON’T YELL AT ME!)
4. Some additional information TUAN wanted you to know is:
   THAT IM NOT THAT GREAT LOOKING BUT I THINK I HAVE THE QUALITIES AND THE HEART TO TREAT A LADY LIKE THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE TREAT. (Great honesty, poor proofreading, and I am a bit afraid that the way I should be “treat” may be a bit different that what you are expecting. AGAIN WITH THE YELLING!)
5. One thing that only JOAQUIN’s best friends know is:
   That I am very loyal and will always be there in there time of need. (I can get a dog for that, no offense)
6. Some additional information Douglas A wanted you to know is:
   I truely believe that it is inportant that a couple be able to hold a mature conversation. But, not all the time, they should aslo be able to talk silly to each other and make each other laugh. (You goofy little pooky-bear……I think I’d rather puke.)

I am having a hard time believing in this whole e-harmony profile matching system. It does not seem to have grasped my personality at all. It may have misconstrued bitterness for “playing hard to get”, I don’t know. I just don’t trust it.

Spawn, be free! 

Sammy the Salmon and Mia are set free! Fish Power! 

Mass Beaching Reported Near Pacific Coast

Please click to enlarge picture.

A horrid site. A mass grounding of “barbietious mattelamus” at an undisclosed location. Scientists are still at a loss to explain this rare event. This species, more often referred to as “Barbies” are known to regularly shed their clothes never to don them again. It is widely believed that this pertains to some elaborate mating ritual. Mass beachings are more rare, however. A group of five volunteers tried to save these majestic creatures, but to no avail.

Spawn ’til you Die!

A few months ago the girls and I went to Snake Lake in Tacoma. It’s a Nature Center with great trails, etc. We adopted some salmon that were being raised for release for a buck a piece, what a bargain! Sophie named hers Sammy the salmon, and Maya (mie-a) named hers Mia (mee-a).

I had forgotten about the little fingerlings until I received a letter from the Nature Center a few days ago letting us know that our little darlings were being released into the wild. Would we like to be there? As good adoptive parents (I know we had forgotten for awhile, but give us a break) we would not miss it for the world.

I decided at this point that this was a fantastic opportunity to turn a $2 impulse purchase into a huge event. I had the girls pick out some ratty old white shirts and gave them a Sharpie marker and let them go to town. The shirts turned out fantastic, the fronts read , “Go Mia, Love, Maya” and “I love Sammy the Salmon”. They had great renditions of smallish salmon (for some reason having only a tail and no extraneous fins, but oh well) swimming thru reeds.

My shirt – well, that took awhile. I first wanted to copy a Ray Troll painting that says “Spawn till you die!” But then I remembered that small children were going to be at this event with their often humorless mothers that may not appreciate my razor wit. Soooo, I on the front of my t-shirt I wrote, “Live free! Spawn with care!” This I thought was funny and reminded me of “Live free or die!” (which I had also been considering) On the back I drew a multitude of small fishies around large letters saying, “School’s out!” You know, the school of fish is out – as in being released? And it has a double meaning because school just got out for the kids too?

I know that only incredibly intelligent and with-it people read this blog so I am sure you understood what I was going for immediately….. However, when the Mom’s read my shirt at this event, more than a few said, “That is so sweet!” as if I really was concerned with their choices of spawning partners and/or habits. The school thing just went right over their heads. All I got on that one was, “When did your kids get out of school?” When will people realize that being a mother (or father for that matter) does not mean you must become devoid of all humor?

I was so proud to see my daughters jumping up and down after releasing their salmon. They were screaming, “Go Sammy! Swim! You can do it! See you later!” The others quietly released their fish and seemed to ponder the seriousness of the salmon life cycle before dejectedly walking back to their vehicles.

We had way more fun (and our salmon loved us more, I could just tell).

Continuation of the Me List # 41-50

1. I am in love with Tom Brokaw. Seriously.
2. I also think Prince is incredibly sexy. Go figure.
3. My favorite punctuation mark is the ellipse……
4. My favorite artificial flavoring vacillates between lemon and orange.
5. Orange is my favorite color because I feel sorry for it, not because I love the artificial color of the same name.
6. I had a Jello cookbook as a child and made every recipe in it.
7. My kids hate Jello.
8. My daughter Sophia has a freckle on the back of her right ear lobe. Sometimes I get scared at night that maybe it has faded or something, so I sneak into her room and check to see if it’s still there.
9. Maya has a birthmark shaped like a lightning bolt on the back of her neck. I told her, with a very straight face, that she may possibly be getting a letter from Hogwarts in a few years.
10. All perfumes or other scents that I wear must have an overwhelming tendency towards grapefruit.

My Theory Regarding Undergarments

Okay, so when I got out of a bad relationship a few years ago I made one promise to myself, just one. I would never wear white panties ever again. Ever. This goes mostly for bras, too. However I have a penchant for white cotton button-down shirts and sometimes there is just nothing else to do but wear white under that. Normally I wear whatever color I choose anyway because bras and breasts are no longer really a mystery to anyone, but things like job interviews call for a degree of modesty.

ANYWAY, I went to Kmart (hey it’s close and it’s cheap) to get some replacement chair pads for a new swinging chair a friend of mine just gave me. Not only were all of their chair pads on sale for 20% off (ding!) but they also had all womens undergarments on sale (ding! ding!). I must admit that I have a thing for new bras and underwear. Nothing makes me happier, retail-ly speaking of course. Matching sets, boy shorts, cheeky booty’s (you must love these if only for the name), underwires, push-ups, tank tops with shelf bras……oh, I could go on. I find that wearing crazy things under my clothes give my self esteem a boost (ha-ha) and I have become dependent on that feeling. There is nothing more satisfying than sitting through a job interview in your conservative suit all the while thinking, “He/She has no idea that I am wearing chili pepper panties.”

I digress, let’s get back to Kmart…..I was not finding anything I just had to have, and the bras were disturbing old-lady bullet bras- then I stumbled across the find of the year. I found these…. but they have a pink background instead of red – which truly sets off the Super Girl logo better anyway. There was even a matching tank top! I feel as if I have hit panty paydirt! (I am wearing them right now, can you tell?)

Best Medicine

Oh, I should never, ever read personal ads at “The Onion” while simultaneously taking customer service phone calls. I usually answer the phone, “Welcome to ____! This is Shari, how can I help you?” This time, with “help” from simultaneous reading of a very funny section of this personal ad I said, “Welcome to _____! This is Shari, how can I hate you?” Oh yes my friends, this is what I said. I immediately put myself on mute and slapped my hand over my mouth. What the hell? Amazingly, the woman didn’t skip a beat and did not even acknowledge my faux pas.

After I got off the phone I just had to tell a few of my co-workers what I did. This is where the hard part comes in. If something strikes me as funny, I tend to go into hysterics. I laugh so hard that no noise comes from me and tears stream from my eyes. It is absolutely impossible for me to finish a story. It goes something like this,

me: “Oh my god, Shannon! You’ll never believe what I did! (laugh, laugh) I answered the phone (laugh) “Welcome to ____” (laugh, cover mouth, dab at eyes) “This is Shari” (convert to silent laughter) “How can I………How can I…….” (more silent laughter)

Shannon: Yeah? What?

me: (silent laughter)

Shannon: ha-ha (uncomfortable silence)

me: (silent laughter for a very long 30 seconds) HOW CAN I HATE YOU! (much more silent laughter and copious tears)

It is truly amazing I was even able to get it all out. Really. Sometimes it has taken me weeks to get an entire story out. At my previous place of employment my co-worker would just roll her eyes and say, “GREAT! We’ll never find out now!”

I once did this while on a first date with a guy. I can’t even remember what it is exactly that he said. I think it was using an incorrect word or a mixed metaphor. It was funny, but honestly it probably did not warrant my hysterical-lay-your-head-in-your-arms-body-shaking laughter that lasted from the salad all the way through the main course. I remember taking about two bites of my salad and not even touching dinner. I couldn’t even ask the waitress to box it up, and by this time he certainly was not going to do me any favors. He ended up being a real jackass anyway.

Someone once told me that my laughter is my defense mechanism. I think it is possibly more like my Achilles heel.

Things About Me # 31-40

1. I am an incurable romantic with a phobia of commitment.
2. I love the smell of gas and permanent markers – however I have never once even considered huffing. Will power, that’s what that is.
3. I have a few overwhelming but illogical fears – one being that someone will shoot into my car while driving on the freeway and kill one or both of my children (morbid, sorry).
4. Another illogical fear – being struck by lightning. This however may not be so illogical as I have had two very close calls, both resulting in me being thrown to the ground by the proximity of a lightning strike. I hate lightning.
5. Illogical fear #3 – that looking at sparks from fireworks will cause me to go blind.
6. Whenever I smell Play-doh I have an overwhelming urge to chew on it.
7. If I bump my a hand or a foot on something I don’t feel right until I bump the opposite hand or foot on the same thing. It makes me feel all lopsided if I don’t.
8. I haven’t had sex (with anyone but myself) for almost 1 year.
9. I miss the aforementioned sex, but not as much as I miss kissing. Sex can be simulated, kissing can’t.
10. A friend of mine just gave me her porch swing – it is a source of never-ending happiness so far.

My Best Compliment

I must say that I was given the best compliment ever today. I have a friend, and I won’t mention her name because she is on the lam, a fugitive from justice as it were. Anyway, this is what she wrote to me in an email that I opened up at 4 am.

I am so very proud of you about the job/money thing. It’s funny, but the more I know you, the more I realize why you get that funny look on your face when things are rough and you just say, “ It’ll work out somehow….” ‘Cause it ALWAYS DOES with you, you crazy lady.
Not to make less of all your creative budgeting and the working at all hours that you do, and through it all you manage to keep your face to the sunshine and laugh, so that if I were to ask either one of your children what it is they know of their hardworking mother it would be that you are joyful.
I am so proud of you.

I am loathe to admit it, but it made me tear up. Thank you. You know who you are.